Tony found out that he's definitely going to Afghanistan in June. This depresses the fuck out of me. Being a military wife really is the hardest job. How the hell did my mom do it for 20 years? With 2 kids, no less?

To add on top of that, the wedding is kicking into full gear. Bridgette's pissing me off, so I'm gonna ask my cousin Rachel to be my maid of honor. She's just taking too long to get back to me, and we don't have time for that. So as long as Rachel says yes, that makes my side of the wedding party consist of her, my sister, my friend Lexi, and Lexi's sister Yanna as the flower girl. Lexi's other sister, Mariana, is in charge of the guestbook and gift table. I think I'll have her hand out bubbles to everyone that arrives, too. And tonight my mom and I picked out the invitations from a catalog she borrowed from a coworker. We're going to order them online. They're going to be so pretty...they have calla lilies on them with lavender writing, to go with my theme, since my bridesmaids are wearing lavender dresses and carrying a calla lily with a lavender bow.

With all the excitement of my wedding, why am I still so depressed? I know it's mainly because I'll get to spend 2 months with Tony after we're married before he goes off to war. Plus my family is leaving for MI in June, too. So that leaves everyone from my theatre group to keep me company, but I just want my Tony. Is that so much to ask?

Gods forbid it, but I know if he dies in battle, his soul will be carried off to Valhalla. But the thought of becoming a widow before I'm of legal age to drink scares the shit out of me more than anything else ever has. The possibility alone makes me want to bawl incoherently and violently. I made him promise he'd come back to me in one piece. He'd better honor that promise.

Fuck, I'm crying now.