Speaking of my mom, I talked to her on Sunday. They're settling in in their new house in MI just fine, though they're still unpacking. As they've been unpacking, they keep finding things of mine. She said they'll send it all later when they're done. And she also told me that Grandpa Coleman, who is my great-aunt Debbie's dad, isn't faring very well health-wise. They found cancer they didn't know about that spread all through his chest and esophagus, and he's got about 3 weeks left to live. If he doesn't make it, I'd like to go to the funeral, but it all depends on my money situation. I'd like to be able to come home and see my family for a few days. Especially if Tony leaves before then. I'd really like to see everyone and be back home again. It'd improve my mood.

Also improving my mood is what I've started doing lately: working out. I went to the gym on post with Tony on Saturday. I walked a mile, power walked a mile, then I worked out on the machines for a while and then went swimming. I also went swimming Sunday. I'm going to call the Y in town and see about signing up for aerobics, since they're not being offered at the post gym right now. I actually want to work out whenever I can. This is a huge change from before. I used to avoid the gym at all costs. Now I can't wait til Tony gets home from work so I can go. My goal is to lose 40 lbs. by the time I turn 21. 40 lbs. in a year...I think I can do that. Kevin II wanted to know why I wanted to lose so much because he thought I looked good last time he saw me. But that was when I was in college. I've gained quite a bit since then. And I'm disgusted with the way I look now, so finally I'm doing something about it.

I also think that working out and feeling better about myself will help me deal with the issues that still stem from Amanda. While she's doing the typical abuser thing (denying it), perhaps working out will help me stop wallowing in everything like I have been lately. It's very unhealthy to do that, and I realize that. And though I'm not apologizing to her for what I said in my last entry, I would like to take this opportunity to list some of the things I'm grateful for her introducing them to me.

1. Dance Dance Revolution. The greatest game EVER.

2. The rave culture. While I don't go to do drugs, I do like going and dancing my ass off. And dressing like a raver is fun!

3. Tattoos and body art. She was with me when I got my first tattoo, and now I have 2. And I have plans to get 2 more done, I just need the time and money. And I did have my cartilage, belly button, and nipples pierced, and I want my nose done. Maybe I'll get another cartilage piercing, and this time I'll make sure not to get an earring with nickel in it.

4. Val. Val is awesome. I keep meaning to call her and see how she's doing.

5. Why NOT to ever touch drugs. I was always anti-drug anyway, but after being with her I realize why not to do them. I see what they do to people, and I don't want to fuck up my life like that.

6. How beautiful it is to make love to another woman. I miss that sometimes, even though I'm getting incredible sex with Tony. But having sex with a woman is a different feeling. Tony and I have talked about the possibility of having another woman in bed with us (or him just watching me and her), but I don't like it simply because I've done it before and I am waaay too jealous for that. I don't like anyone else touching him and seeing him touch anyone else would kill me. But sometimes, I miss being with a woman. It's not something I have to have, because I'm very happy just being with Tony. But still, it's nice.

That's all I can think of for now.

Now it's time for my 3rd pissed-off dissertation. This one's on Sorin.

As you may remember, I met Sorin online last year through a heathen personals site. We hit it off right away and fell in love. We made plans to get married, have children, and settle down in MI. Everything seemed great at first.

Then we started having problems. Something just didn't feel right. I decided I didn't want to be with him. Then I decided I did. Then I decided against it again. (I was going manic at this point.) All this time, he was laying guilt trips on me, which made me feel even worse. I started seeing other people while with him (Michael, Tim, Joe, Stephanie, and then Tony.) I just couldn't do a long-distance, especially online, relationship. And he had this thing where he made me feel inferior simply because he knew more about Asatru than I did. But I was still very new to it, so how was I supposed to know?

I'd elaborate more, but I'm getting tired and am thinking about heading back to bed for a while.