I'll try and make this one as brief as possible, seeing as it's very complicated and most of the stuff you can find listed in my older entries.

The name alone is enough to want to send me flying into a manic rage. No one in my entire life has infuriated me so much that I literally wish they'd fall off the face of the earth. I doubt anyone would miss her, anyway. Once they see through all the bullshit encircling her, they'll realize what a lying, worthless piece of shit she is and stay as fucking far away as possible.

Gods, where do I begin? I guess I'll start by describing how the whole thing got started, since our very beginnings aren't in this diary (since I started writing in here during our so-called relationship).

It all starts from me starting to go manic in college. Of course, at the time I didn't know I was bipolar, so I was getting out of control. This lead me to do things that typically I would never do, such as fail all my classes or cheat on my significant other. I was dating Josh when I left for school. However, I slept with Diver Chris and Kevin II while with him. Then I started dating Lyn. Everything was going fine with her...until Amanda stepped into the picture. Not very long after I met her, she "stole me away from Lyn". I was still with Josh while dating Lyn and with Amanda. However, not too long after Amanda and I got together I broke up with him.

In the beginning, everything seemed perfect. She was sweet, charming, romantic, and full of love. She promised me whatever I wanted in life. We made plans to get married in Ireland in the summer of 2003. (Obviously, that didn't happen, seeing as I'm happily married to Tony now.)

Things slowly got worse. The lies came flooding in. And it was always ridiculous shit that at the time I foolishly believed. Now, I'd fucking call her on every goddamn thing she tried to pass by me. This started the abuse. Not only were lies invloved, but manipulations, as well. She fucked with my head very badly.

Then I heard reports of her cheating on me. She even told me she had a threesome with Jennevie and Tom, but Val seriously doubts that she actually did. And she'd want to be with me one minute, then lusting after someone else the next.

And she'd go off and do things without even bothering to see if I wanted to be included. She'd go to parties without me...one of them, her excuse was that her ex Tara was there, and she thought it'd be too weird to have former and current girlfriends meet. And she claimed I was too controlling because I just wanted to be included. That and I didn't want her hanging out with her loser druggie friends. All I wanted was to look out for her best interests, but, like I said before, she's fucking psycho, and couldn't see that.

I was like a little lost puppydog that kept following her everywhere because I loved her and wanted her to be with me. It was really sad.

And I don't think I need to go into my suicide attempt, which she was the catalyst for. If you really want to know, go to my archives page, and under the entries for 03/02 (36 Degrees), click on "tumultuous days".

What it all basically boils down to is this: she took everything I ever previously was and destroyed it. Completely annihilated the person I was. And she either didn't realize it or didn't care. She's not evil; she's inhuman. She is perfectly incapable of fully understanding the effects of the consequences of her actions on everyone she encounters. In a way, I feel sad for her, because I know it can't be easy being a psycho bitch. She's horribly immature, weak as fuck, and in a match of wits, I would very easily champion over her. She stole the light from my universe, and part of me died when I was with her, and I'll never get it back. How can I ever forgive her for that? And now she sends me messages as if everything's all right and nothing bad ever happened. What-the-fuck-ever. She wants to be friends, but no way in Hel will that ever happen. I would be perfectly fine never seeing her godforsaken face ever again. The only reason I ever would want to be in contact with her is to get my ring back. She claims she gave it to Matt, but Matt said she never gave him shit, and I'll believe Matt before I'll ever believe her lying sack of shit ass. Nothing that ever comes out of her mouth is anything remotely resembling the truth. It leads me to wonder how her current girlfriend is capable of being with her. Her girlfriend must be fucked up in the head, too. Or stupid. Or blind. Maybe a combination of all three. I don't really give a shit.

Anyway, if she reads this, then good, I hope she starts learning that karma's a bitch, and that, gee, there are fucking consequences for her actions. She's got to wake up and realize how much harm she has caused, most likely still causes, and will probably always cause. She really needs a very hard, swift kick in the ass. Or for someone to do what she did to me. Maybe then she'll understand. But then again, she's stupid, so she probably never will.

Getting over what she's done to me has been a long, slow process. I've basically had to start rebuilding myself from scratch. Only through poetry, performing, supportive friends like Matt & Mikey, regaining faith, and finding out what true love really is with Tony have I been able to make significant changes. She still torments me in my memory. I can't seem to shake her, no matter how hard I try.

This dissertation may quite possibly be the most pissed off you have ever seen me in here. But when you've been through what I've been through, you understand. I hope no one has to go through what I endured. I've gone through Hel and back. And though I may be a completely different person now, at least I'm a thousand times stronger than I ever thought possible.

I feel better now.