I was chatting with Amanda last night. She started getting really bitchy with me, being horribly blunt and all that, which is very difficult for me to take. I started doing the whole "I'm so pathetic" routine, which I somehow always slip into, and she told me to knock it the fuck off. This pissed me off at the time, but the more I look at it, the more I realize why she was telling me the things she was. I see how much she really loves me and cares about me. I'm just not used to the whole "tough love" approach.

I also did a stupid thing last night. I had 1 bottle of Smirnoff Ice that was hidden in my room. I decided to down it. When I told her, she was absolutely livid. I apologized profusely, which just pissed her off more. Eventually, we both calmed down and worked things out.

This whole episode has made me reevaluate things in my life. It's helped me realize that I'm just causing more problems in our relationship by doing the "woe is me" bit. She even told me flat out that she is not gonna give me the satisfaction of pity for that. No one has ever told me that. As much as it pains me, being so proud, to say this, she was right. She was right all along. I do need to straighten up and get my act together before I destroy my life. I just wouldn't accept it. Now I realize I have to. I have a lot of growing up to do. Starting now, I am shaping the rest of my life. That's all there is to it. I love her too much to let her down.