I don't know what it was, but everything just seemed to go wrong, wrong, wrong tonight. I swear it was "Fuck Krie Over Royally Night" or something. I started thinking about everything that's been going wrong in my life. For example:

*I'm failing all my classes (except women's studies) miserably

*I have severe insomnia, which causes me to oversleep, which in turn causes me to miss my afternoon classes, which in turn is causing me to fail them

*My dad's in Afghanistan for 3 months now

*Amanda telling me she can't move in with me

*I'm in danger of being fired from work

*I feel like now I have no future because I'm fucking up in school

*I can't shake my depression I've dealt with since age 11, no matter how hard I try

*My anxiety has gotten considerably worse

Those were the thoughts running through my head tonight.

Realizing I needed to reach out to someone, I naturally turned to Amanda. However, no matter how hard I tried to tell her that all I needed tonight was for her to come down here and hold me, she made it seem like I was bothering her and blew me off. The least she could've done was pretend to play the role of the concerned girlfriend. The thing that pissed me off more than anything was that I wanted to drink very badly, and she told me that instead of turning to alcohol to forget about my problems I should turn to her. That's exactly what I was trying to do tonight, and where did that lead me? Completely out in the cold. I felt like saying to her, "Thanks for making me feel so goddamned appreciated," with seething sarcasm.

So I decided to go for a walk to think about various things. I tried to get Diver Chris to accompany me just so I'd have someone to talk to, but, oh, no, he'd rather stay in his room. Realizing that this was going to be a solo act, I bundled up and headed outside. I walked aimlessly all over campus, trying to figure things out in my head, but all it did was make me realize how completely miserable I am. I tried calling Amanda several times to tell her I needed her more than anything, but she never answered her phone, much to my disappointment and anger. It got to the point where I was incredibly suicidal--again. I'd planned out exactly what I was going to do. I was going to go to an ATM, get some money out, and then go down to Kampus Korner and buy whatever sleeping pills I could get my hands on, then take them all till they--and hopefully me--were gone.

Trying a last-ditch effort to reach for help, I called Amanda again. Still no answer. I didn't know where else to turn, so I called Jeff. Even though he's incredibly sick right now, he talked to me for over half an hour, consoling me and helping me keep from killing myself. I love having him as a friend, because talking to him made me feel so much better. Just having anyone care enough to let me babble incessantly made me feel better. I greatly appreciated him letting me do that, because it's what I needed to do at that point in time.

So now I'm trying to unthaw (I was outside for about an hour, and it is freezing) while sitting in front of my computer, listening to "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. I'm still wishing I could get ahold of Amanda, just to hear her voice and know that there is indeed something left to live for. At least now I know she's sleeping at Jeff's apartment. I still wish she were here with me instead of up in Farmington. And I wish I didn't take things so damn personally. And why the hell I'm listening to Rick Astley.

I guess there are some questions better left unanswered, after all.