I know I have a tendency to take things too personally, as well as overanalyze pretty much everything. This is among my biggest faults. I can't seem to get over that, no matter how hard I try. This has led to several of my past downfalls, and I am very certain that's what led to tonight.

I got to thinking about work. I hate my job, as previously mentioned ad nauseum. I hate the fact that my supervisors think I'm a crappy-ass worker. I hate the fact that they've been threatening to fire me if I fuck up again. I hate the fact that there's so much out of my control, and I can't possibly begin to explain any of it because I know that a) I won't come up with a totally legit answer and b) they probably won't believe me, anyway. No one ever really believes me when I try to tell them the fucked-up things lurking about in the caverns of my mind. They say they do, but I'll bet that they still have doubts and believe even further that I'm being my "typical melodramatic self".

So I lost it. I started going into my usual pre-panic attack symptoms; heavy breathing, increased heart rate, nausea, shaking, persistent-yet-unnamed fear. However, things went horribly wrong after that.

I started going into my major panic attack symptoms. I was crying uncontrollably, writhing about, unable to control anything I was doing. From there I started staring into space, bawling, and hyperventilating. I watched my hands as if infantile, amazed that my fingers could actually move the way they did. I froze. I couldn't do anything except stare, cry, and feel my sanity slipping.

I somehow managed to get enough strength to un-freeze. That's when the demons came in. Yes, you read right: demons. I swear to God I could feel the presence of demons in my room, and I thought they were hiding in and around my empty pop cups. I thought they were going to manifest into sentient beings at any moment and annihilate me. As silly as this may sound, at that point in time the fear was very much real. I starting pacing, almost violently so. I started believing that inanimate objects were staring and making comments. I would tell them to shut up. I would stare at the ceiling for no apparent reason. I would start talking to people that weren't there. I have never been so out of my head (or scared beyond belief) in my life. I couldn't believe the things that were happening. I reverted into almost a child-like state, and I swear I started forgetting who I am and where I was.

Something is wrong. Something is seriously off-balance with me. I need to figure out what it is and try to fix things so that shit like this never happens again. I am scared to death that I will flip out again, only the next time I'll never recover and spend the rest of my life institutionalized.

And all this after I thought I was getting better.