I went over to see Cane (big surprise there). After a passionate lovefest, we sat down and started talking. And I mean REALLY talking. We talked about my past with the whole Amanda thing, and I finally realized that it's time for me to truly move on. And now I think I'm actually strong enough to do so. He told me that I need to get my thoughts down on paper to help ease the pain and move on, and when I got home, I did just that. Here's the result:

A Letter of Letting Go

Dear Amanda,

I write this to tell you how much you have fucked me over.

How irresponsible must one be to leave a love dying without an iota of misgiving?

How deeply hidden must a heart be to let someont it beated for alone for the vultures to rip apart without remorse?

How cruel can a woman be to thrust another out into the bitter tundra of death without giving two hot shits about the consequences?

It boggles my battered brain to try to understand your motives.

So maybe I shouldn't try to anymore.

Dear Amanda,

I write this to tell you how much intense pain you've caused,

Not just to me, but to all who love me.

How can you possibly explain yourself to those that once cared about you, but now feel the deepest grasp of hatred?

How can you explain yourself to those that attempt to love you still unconditionally?

How can you explain yourself to the one you've abused the most?

You can't.

So why bother trying?

Dear Amanda,

I write this to thank you for all you've shown me.

I now know what true pain is because of you.

I also know what it takes to rise above that pain, and look down on it as I ascend to greatness.

I now can say I am able to set the pain free, left to roam upon its own devices.

I can survive without you.

So for that, I thank you.

Dear Amanda,

I write this to show you the woman I've become in the aftermath of you.

If I can survive being left alone to die by the one I thought loved me beyond all belief,

Then may life throw me what it may.

I'll take each blow with a twist of confidence

And be stronger with each test.

You weren't strong enough to destroy me, nor will you ever be.

I can now say to myself that I am truly done with you.

Thank you for everything-

Every blessed memory,

Every tear shed,

Every emotion ever felt.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a new life to live.

--September 5, 2002--

Cane came to see me at work today. I told him I wrote a poem, and how it's time for me to put my past behind me for good, and he smiled and told me how proud he was of me. After all, the events of my life have changed me as a person, in good ways. It led me to get the help I so desperately needed. It led to my diagnosis with bipolar disorder, so now I finally know what's wrong with me. It got me out of a destructive relationship, and self-destructive ways. So I have a lot to thank Amanda for in that aspect. Now, looking back on everything, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I'm much stronger than I was before. After all, I'm a different person, and I'm beginning to like the woman I'm becoming. Why tamper with that?