I've lost her. I've lost the greatest thing in my life. All because I'm a selfish bitch.

I just want to die right now. If she had told me that her and Nolan had had sex or something, I would've killed myself right then and there on the phone. It hurts so fucking much that she's doing this.

I know I've burnt her out with my constant need for attention. I know I smothered her. I know that lack of communication was a huge problem in our relationship. I know that we rushed into things like mad.

I also know that I love her with all of my heart. I also know that I could just die right now. I also know that I've caused an innumerable amount of pain.

We decided to go on a break. Then she decides we should end it all. At this point, I am bawling. I cannot fathom how to live without her now. My stomach is in fucking knots. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I feel like I'm going to shake my limbs off from my nerves being shot to hell.

I think I've successfully convinced her to not end things completely. If she wants her space and time, then that's fine. I can deal with that a lot better than not having her in my life at all. I don't like the idea of her exploring things with Nolan, but I guess I'll have to deal with that.

At the same time, I am interested in seeing how things go with Derek. She feels very threatened by him because the night we hung out, we hit it off very well. We have tons in common, and I had a blast. Right now I just want to get to know him better as a friend, especially since he's still in high school and still a virgin. I normally DO NOT go for anyone younger than me, so this is kinda freaking me out.

I love Amanda more than I have ever loved anyone or anything else. If it's meant to be, then we'll keep coming back to each other. I hope for the sake of our respective sanities that we work things out and realize we should be together. But when that happens, we both will have to do a lot of compromising. But I'm willing to do what it takes to make this thing work.