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| 8:10 P.M., Thursday, Dec. 05, 2002: go away go away go away fucking pain
I'm horribly depressed and listening to the CD I got in the mail today (Manic Street Preachers, "Know Your Enemy"). My Coldplay poster refuses to hang on the wall. And I had to work 11-7 yesterday/today, so I am ungodly tired. Joe hasn't called yet. I haven't heard from Sorin in a couple days. Michael hasn't called either. (Today's his birthday.) Yesterday was Diver Chris's birthday. I think I'm losing my mind again. This rotating schedule bullshit at work is making me crazy. If I don't hear from Sorin, I'm going to OD again. I'm bringing all sorts of heartache on myself. It's all my fucking fault. If I lose him because of my infidelity, I have no one to blame but myself. I wish I had never gone out to Spinners to begin with and met the guys I have. I wish I could stay faithful. I wish I wish I wish. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I wish I could stay stable, but for some reason I feel myself wobbling like a broken table. And I can't stop it. That's very depressing. I just want to numb the pain. It's too intense to deal with. I want to OD again. I don't want to die. I just want to numb the pain, all this fucked up pain I have inside me. I just might be crazy enough to do it again. Someone please stop me from making the same mistake again. I just want to control my thoughts. They're racing again. As if this entry makes any sense. Such is the life inside the mind of a bipolar disorder-ridden person. I just want someone to reach out to me, to let me know everything's all right. I'm so scared right now. I'm scared of everything. How ironic I'm listening to Manics right now. I doubt I'm making any sense. If you stop reading now, I will understand. Blah blah blah blah blah. I never want to leave my room. It's too scary out there. Too many hidden monsters. Please keep me safe. |
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