I don't even feel like going to class. I just want to be with Amanda and know that everything will be ok. I just want to be in her arms, safe and away from the rest of the world. I just want her to tell me that everything will be all right, and I have nothing to worry about. This distance she's keeping (after I told her not to distance herself from me) is already killing me, and it hasn't even been a day yet. I understand more than she thinks I do, yet she's pulling away, even if it's temporary. I'm not going to wait my entire life for her to make up her mind about who she is, because that's how long it takes for anyone to find out who they are. I need her now. Why can't she see that? I just want her to be with me and nowhere else. What I want is for us to figure out who we are together. It will mean so much more if we do it that way than if we have time apart.

Once again, I am showcasing my pathetic inability to think of anything besides her. I can't deal with this right now. I'm very fragile, and I need her more than any other time thus far. Yet she pulls away. Dammit, this makes no sense to me at all.

All I know about myself at this point is that I know I am destined to become something truly great, but I'm not sure what yet. I have known this my whole life, yet I'm not sure what direction to take to become that person I'm meant to be. I am in the process of reevaluating who I am right now, as pretty much everyone my age does. I don't know of any 18-20 year olds that know who they are for sure.

Amanda, if you're reading this, know that I love you more than anything. I can't take this distance you're keeping at all. I need you in my life so badly that I've become incredibly pathetic and codependent. Please realize the harm you're causing me. We can figure things out together.

I know that deep inside, I am a strong person. But that strong person has been overshadowed by all sorts of other crap. I need to get back to that. So from now on, I need to stop with this whole pity-party shit. This diary was a good idea, because it allows me to get things off my chest and not worry about it as much afterwards. I need to tell myself I am a good person and believe it. I think I'll make a list of my positive qualities and go from there. Right now, I need to get in the shower. I feel so gross.