There are times I sit back and wonder, "Why the hell am I living? Life sucks complete ass. There's no point to my existence anyway, so I'm just wasting precious oxygen other, more deserving people could be breathing." I feel like I'm a massive waste of space, a blight on humanity, undeserving of human contact.

Then there are times that I feel so empowered that I can conquer the world and everything in it. I feel like I'm a fucking queen or something, and that all those around me should bow and pay me the ultimate respect.

Argh, I hate growing up. And I hate needless drama, which seems to be plentiful right now in my life. I can't seem to escape it. Why do gay relationships have so much drama in them, anyway? It's like a neverending soap opera...as Matt put it, "The Gays of Our Lives".

Speaking of which, there's another issue. I, once again, am feeling caught in the middle. There's something going on between Matt and Amanda, and it's really bothering me. I love them both, and what I want more than anything is for everyone to get along. But it seems like that can't happen lately. There's always fighting somewhere, and I can't escape it. I can't afford any more drama in my life, so I want to just end it. I want to go to my private island in the middle of nowhere and never speak to anyone again. That will solve my drama problems, but then I face another dilemma: I am alienated and have no one to love me.

That's one of my other problems. I'm so damn codependent. I cannot live without a special someone in my life. I tried living the single life, and I was more depressed than anything. I don't feel myself when I don't have someone I know is always there for me. It really bothers me sometimes. It makes me wonder why I'm so afraid to be totally independent. I guess it just plays on my fears of everyone leaving me all by my lonesome and totally forgetting I exist. I don't want to face the prospect of dying alone. Hell, I can't even face living alone.

Amanda told me tonight that she needs time to figure out who she really is. Yeah, like I don't know what the fuck that's like. It's called being this particular age. And what's sad is that I can't even deal with the idea of not being able to be with her for even a few days. It kills me to think about that. Damn, I feel so fucking pathetic. I can't even begin to figure out who I am, what the hell I want to do with my life, or any good shit like that. Right now, I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm furious, confused, miserable, and scared all at the same time. All I know is that I feel so empty inside right now, and I don't know where to turn to fill that void. She said that she needs to figure out who she is before she can be there for me completely. That hurts. It really does. All I need right now is someone to say, "Everything will be okay. I'm here for you no matter what." But that seems so elusive at this moment. If my own fiancee says she can't be there for me completely, then I must be a sad headcase or something. Right now I feel like I am undeserving of love. Why should anyone waste their time on me? I'm not worth it. I'm selfish, naive, childish, pathetic, conceited, worthless, and just plain suck as a human being.

And my anxiety has been throught the roof. I keep hyperventilating and having panic attacks, much worse than I've ever had before. I need to eliminate my needless dramatic episodes and start all over. It seems like all anyone has to do is say the wrong thing and I feel like my limbs will fall off from shaking so much. My breathing's gotten worse (not helped at all by all the smokers I hang around with) as well.

Right now I don't know what to do. All I know is that it's painful to even look at pictures of me and Amanda because it just reminds me of how scared shitless I am that she'll leave me or decide she doesn't love me anymore. Fucking a, I'm pathetic. Someone slap me before I do something else to piss someone off or make them distance themselves from me. I can't take it any longer.