I'm also apprehensive about something else. My dad told me I may be going home by train. Why? He'll find out tonight if he's being sent out of the country early next week, and we all doubt my mom will want to make a trip to Michigan when he'll be leaving. I am really scared that they'll send him into combat again. (He's a Gulf War veteran.) I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have him in my life. I just wish upon everything else that he doesn't go.

Another reason to be apprehensive: Amanda tried to go to Canada last night, and wasn't allowed in. What makes me so nervous about this is that when she called me earlier last night, she said that she was going out of town with some friends and that she couldn't call me because she'd be roaming. I instantly knew that she was going to Canada, and her lack of specificity caused me to deduct that she was probably going to end up in a situation where drinking and drugs are available. She told me they were going to visit Natalie's stepbrother in Windsor. What pains me about that is that's where she got stoned over New Year's...which just so happened to be while I was in NNY. Here I am, in NNY again, and I'm afraid that she felt that she could do that again. She knows I have made it abundantly clear that I do NOT, under ANY circumstances, want her getting tangled up in drugs again. That's in her past, and that's where I want it to remain. I've been trying to stop drinking, I've stopped going to frat parties, I've stopped hanging out with my former party buddies...all for her. All because I knew she disapproved and was afraid something would happen to me. Yet not too long ago I found out she got a contact buzz when she was "hanging out with friends". The thing is, I don't expect her to tell me where she is 24/7. But when she tells me she's "going out with friends somewhere", and isn't specific, that immediately warrants me to be suspicious. I love her more than anything, and I don't want to have to distrust her, but if she keeps this up, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to see her destroy herself. I care about her too much to watch her deteriorate. I want to do better in school because she wants me to, because she believes in me. Well, the same thing applies here, as well. I am so afraid that she'll get tangled into that nasty web and something will happen to her. Is it so wrong to only want the best for the one I love?

I'm a jumble of nerves. I need to go calm down now. All of this is making me feel like a panic attack is on its way.